Written By Cathy Drinkwater Better
If you have been scratching your head over what to give your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day, there are plenty of magazine articles and Web sites where you can find tips and suggestions.
But as a public service, I have compiled the following lists of Valentine presents to avoid like the flu. Familiarize yourself with these anti-gifts before you shop. Men, under no circumstances should you give a woman:
- A gift certificate for laser hair-removal.
- A bathroom scale.
- A talking bathroom scale.
- A talking bathroom scale without a volume control. Basically, all bathroom scales are off limits (unless you can find one that automatically subtracts 10 pounds each time she steps onto it).
- A romantic dinner for two at a sports bar featuring wall-to-wall giant TV screens. If this even briefly crossed your mind, you’re probably going to be alone on Valentine’s Day anyway. As usual.
- Meat lingerie. Yes, we know you like salami – but the present is not for you. And if it is for you (in a roundabout way), seek counseling.
- A ferret.
- Any item of clothing in a size other than “petite small.” I don’t care if she plays linebacker on a women’s football team, you’ll want to go with “petite small” (and a gift-return slip inconspicuously taped to the inside of the gift-box top).
- A membership to Weight Watchers¨.
- A set of ShamWow towels. Not even if you called right away and got a second set “for free – just pay shipping and handling.”
- Tickets to a monster-truck rally.
- A girdle. In past centuries they were called “corsets.” These days they are called “body-shapers” and “waist compression.” Call it whatever you want; it is still a girdle, and we know one when we see one.
- Tweezers. Or lighted tweezers. Or pretty-colored tweezers. Or Teflon¨ tweezers. Or battery-powered tweezers. (By now you ought to be getting the message loud and clear: any tweezers – even if they are solid gold with ruby accents – are off limits.)
- Six months of auto-delivery weight-loss-plan food.
- Any article of clothing or jewelry bearing even the most tasteful design celebrating NASCAR. This is 100 percent out of the question. It is Valentine’s Day, not the Daytona 500.
- A star of her very own – unless it’s encrusted with diamonds and she can wear it. At last count, Alpha Centauri alone was being shared by 3,741 Valentines, each of whom thinks she is the only stakeholder. Want to give her property? Try Manhattan or Beverly Hills.
- A heart-shaped container of hummus.
- The offer of breast implants. Or a Valentine card that reads: “Roses are red, violets are blue; I’d sure like to see some double-D’s on you!” There is a million to one chance she’ll take this in the spirit of love, the way it was intended. Save it for a less romantically volatile occasionÉ like Groundhog Day.
- A timer to put by the phone (or the bathtub).
- A John Deere lawn tractor with snowplow attachment. Come on, guy! She didn’t fall off the butter-bean wagon yesterday.
- A picture of her, taken 30 years ago, before she had four kids and the appendectomy – and her boobs went south – plastered on a billboard beside the busiest thoroughfare in town, with the message: “Happy Valentine’s Day, [Fill in entire name, first and last, with middle initial] of [Fill in entire address, including ZIP Code]. I still love you with all my heart, even though you don’t look like this anymore.” It will make her cry. And not happy tears, either. She will cry every time she thinks about it or drives past it. For 30 whole days, until it’s taken down. And she’ll make sure you are miserable, too. For 30 whole days.
- A quickie Mexican divorce.
- A subscription to Field and Stream.
- Anything made from construction paper, macaroni, and crayons. (Unless you are in elementary school. In that case, she will ADORE it and shower you with kisses.)
- A T-shirt with an embarrassing, degrading, or suggestive slogan emblazoned across the front; like, “Red Hot Mama;” “Wanna Fool Around?;” or, “Don’t call me a dumb blonde. I’m not really blonde.” Seriously, this is wrong on so many levels. Likewise any T-shirt with full-color graphics making it look like she is “naked” when she’s wearing it. You know what? Forget T-shirts all together; they’re a minefield.
It’s easier to shop for a man on Valentine’s Day. As long as he can eat it, play it, fix something with it, aim it at the TV and click it; or if it will keep some part of his anatomy warm, he’ll be yours forever. Still, there are a few things you should never give to a man for Valentine’s Day:
- A murse. That’s a “man-purse.” There really is no such thing as a man-purse – no matter what the salesman at the mall said.
- A nose- and ear-hair trimmer. There are more productive ways – and better times – to let him know this is a problem. Think of one.
- Polishing cloths (for his head).
- A curling iron (for his eyebrows).
- Or anything for moisturizing his skin and tightening his pores. Men do not have pores, and they do not need moisturizing. Ask one; he will tell you. And if they did have pores, the guy will add, they’re plenty tight already.
You now have the tools you need to go Valentine’s Day shopping. The rest is up to you. Of course, you could choose to ignore these guidelines; but you’d be doing so at your own risk. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. (And keep all your receipts.)
