Written By Amanda Milewski
Are you reading this while you are waiting for your son’s soccer practice to wrap up or your daughter’s piano lessons to end?
After you pick them up, are you going to hit the drive-thru at the local fast-food restaurant and eat in your van on the way to the next lesson, practice, game, try-out or tournament?
If so, you might be the parent of an over-scheduled kid.
And although most of that over scheduling may be of your own doing, you probably did it with the best of intentions.
The vast majority of parents involve their children in extracurricular, scheduled activities for valid reasons.
“I think extracurricular activities are so important to developing well-rounded children,” said an Eldersburg mother of two who declined to be identified. “Involvement in team sports promotes physical fitness, in addition to helping children learn many other positive life skills such as how to cooperate with others, tolerance, patience and responsibility.”
For some parents, it is the “you’ll never know ’til you try” approach. By exposing their children to a wide variety of sports, activities and hobbies, they increase the chances that their kids will find something they truly enjoy doing. Some parents hope that involvement in extracurricular activities will lessen the likelihood that, as adolescents, their children will adopt risky behaviors.
Mary Dee Oxen, a guidance counselor at North Carroll Middle School, says that parents’ motives are not always altruistic.
“The reasons children are involved in many activities vary from parent to parent,”she said. “Sometimes it’s a parent living vicariously through the child. Maybe for some parents, the more activities their children are involved in, the less they have to keep them entertained. Sometimes it’s a way for working parents to assuage their guilt about being away from their children all day. For some parents, it’s a way to keep up with the Joneses. For others, it’s a way to give their children a competitive edge that they may not have had during their childhood.”
But no matter what the reasons, all of this over scheduling can lead to a stressful life for both children and parents.
“Students can feel overwhelmed with balancing school, clubs, sports, family time, relaxation time and chores and no one notices how it may be negatively affecting them until a problem arises,” said Beth Prestianni, a guidance counselor at Oklahoma Road Middle School. “Some of these problems may involve students who are so overcommitted that they don’t get enough sleep, they become irritable and anxious, may not have time to complete homework, and their grades take a nosedive.”
On the flip side, Prestianni said, “There are many benefits to being involved in after-school activities. Many students will go on to have a career that was initiated somehow in an after-school activity where they developed a special interest or talent. Students who are active in after-school activities have less time to get involved in unhealthy choices. After-school activities promote social interactions, leadership and problem-solving skills.”
As an elementary school guidance professional at Spring Garden Elementary and the parent of three over-scheduled kids, Candice Urch has viewed the over-scheduling issue from both sides.
“Having kids involved is a good thing,”she said. “I know that my children have learned that nothing comes without hard work, determination and sacrifice. My daughter sets goals and plans and works very hard to achieve them. She has become very good at managing her time and setting priorities.”
Despite the fact that Urch’s daughter (soon to be a sophomore at North Carroll High) is able to juggle all of her commitments, she gave up one of her three sports this year so she could better focus her time.
“She was playing JV lacrosse at North Carroll, taking three honors-level courses along with art and trying to play AAU basketball,” said Urch. “She had to back out of basketball, which was very hard for her to do. She has many good friends on the team, and she felt that she let the coaches and her friends down. But doing this allowed her to focus on lacrosse and schoolwork. It was a very good decision.”
Urch and her family have prioritized their children’s activities. “Schoolwork is the first priority,” she said. “As for sports, it depends on the level of commitment. For example, a school sport would come before a club sport. Luckily, all of the coaches we’ve had have been very supportive when it comes to school and family.”
The Eldersburg family uses a similar system.
“If my child has made a commitment to play a team sport,” the mother said, “they have an obligation to their team members to attend practices and games and put forth their best effort so those scheduled activities have priority over unscheduled activities (an invitation to play at a friend’s house, for example).
“Also, there is very little leeway when it comes to attending religious education classes. We try to schedule activities so they don’t interfere with those weekly classes.”
In addition to religious education classes, the family’s two daughters are both involved in dance and Heartlight Aerobics. The oldest daughter also participates in her school’s live daily news broadcast, jazz band, Student Government Association. And, plays lacrosse year-round. The youngest daughter plays soccer and softball.
Prestianni believes “Parents intentions are good for wanting to expose their son or daughter to all of the different types of activities available. But they sometimes lose sight of balance,” said Prestianni. “Many parents are over scheduled as well. It’s become a part of our lifestyle to feel like we have to constantly be involved in something or we are not being productive.”
“I see kids who are doing nothing at all and kids who are doing everything,” said guidance counselor Oxen. “There’s an extreme. I don’t see a balanced, happy medium. The goal is to try to strive for the balance between too much and not enough.”
Nine Signs Your Child is Over-Scheduled
Do you have an over-scheduled child? Although the indications can vary from child to child, here are some signs to look for:
Tiredness ¥ Irritability ¥ Anxiety ¥ Excessive crying ¥ Overeating
Complaining of illness (stomach aches, headaches, etc.)
Loss of focus at school ¥ Incomplete homework ¥ Declining grades
What can you do about it?
- Monitor your child’s behavior and activities.
- Talk to him or her about commitments. Make sure they really want to do an activity before signing up.
- Closely evaluate activities before involving your child (How much time will an activity require? Will it be difficult to get your child to and from games, practices or lessons? How far will you have to travel with your child? Will homework suffer? How will involvement in the activity impact the entire family?)
- Prioritize activities and drop the least important.
- Reduce the intensity of involvement with a specific activity.
- Maintain contact with your child’s teacher.
- Don’t feel guilty about sometimes saying “no.”
Guidance counselor Prestianni also recommends the following books:
The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap by Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld
The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids by Alexandra Robbins
